Monthly Archives: January 2013

Fifty Shades of Green

OK, it’s been so loooong since I’ve posted, I almost couldn’t get in were it not for some trusty password techniques (aka a post-it note stuck to my laptop with my password written, underlined & caps locked on it).

I almost wondered if my dear blog may have self-combusted or alternatively, withered away from lack of attention.. a bit like my plants.

But no, she is still here, still present in the ether that is the internet; just crying out for a new post, some witty satire (you may laugh, but I’ve been known to have people laugh with me not just at me), tantalizing tales of greatness, judgmental insight into the world of “otherness” to which I am prone.

Alas none of that is going to happen – instead I am going to regale you with why I have not touched this “new blog post” icon for weeks…. & the reason is deliciously self-indulgent. We’ve been on holiday!

Yes! Believe it or not, I took a few weeks off with family & not only did I ignore my cumbersome inbox (it was a real eye opener to just how many emails I subscribe to unnecessarily -… & also just why I spend so much at the GAP – when you see them all at once shouting the discounts at you, it’s so incredibly hard to not whip out that card thinking – “surely it makes sense to get this now at 30% off rather than wait until I need it & get it without the discount?”), but I did not post, did not do housework, laundry, family admin – or anything even close to necessary.

I did do alot of vomiting (initially – that stopped within 24 hours); eating, drinking, socializing (whilst eating & drinking) , family time, jogging, reading, napping, beaching etc etc etc.

So if you’re wondering about the vomit reference…  the trip didn’t start that well once I began to turn my own Fifty Shades of Green as I embarked on 7 vomiting sessions on the plane.

There is something about racing to the bathroom in economy – you never know just how long those queues will be for one thing; you then are forced to share your green, sweaty, shaking self with people in said queues hoping like hell you can hold it in just a few more seconds.

If you’re lucky enough to gracefully make it to the bathroom, there is no post-event relief as you lie on the cool bathroom tile, instead you twist & turn your way out of that tiny, tiny cubical, washing with such vigor your skin is lucky to still be there.

Upon returning to your seat, again there is little moment of release or relief. No lying down to ease the discomfort.. for me I had Mylo climbing on & off me the whole time & to top it off whenever he woke, being disoriented & unsettled, he’d cry & slither off the seat  into the isle for a tantrum of significant proportions.  I would ease myself over the edge of my armrest & eye him up, as basically I had little strength to do more & even less to try waking Kevin from his deep slumber (how he manages that on planes every single time I have no idea).

Eventually I could muster enough strength to pull Mylo up, aware constantly that all touch may share my vomitous (no this is not in the dictionary) germs… however there are few options at this point.

Mylo did have his own seat please note. Apparently it did not compare to my lap.

Anyway, by the time the plane began to wake (night flight) & Kevin noticed that I had returned from the bathroom yet again – this time having not made it & instead began vomiting into the bag provided for such events…. I swear I have never seen a man move so fast.

He gathered up those kids & basically bathed them in a bottle of hand sanitizer; seats, bags, clothing – anything he could wipe down, he was on it. He yanked the kids away, enveloped them in his arms, whispering with gusto – “don’t touch your mother”.

My husband was a machine.

You’d think I had the plague.

So anyway – the flight down to New Zealand from the States was long, arduous & I ended up feverish & severely dehydrated upon arrival. And let’s face it, worse than that was actually enduring the public nature of a severe stomach flu.

I mean, who truly wants to vomit in public? On a plane?

I found out later, at least 8 people I’d been in contact with – kids too – the night before we left at our Oracle Team Christmas function also came down with the same thing. We got off light by comparison.

So that is part one of my holiday installment. I’m sure this story just makes you desperate to read more – not quite Fifty Shades of Grey right?

Should I have added a plane porn scene to entice you to read further?

Next up – things do improve & we have had a great time as “tourists” back “home”.

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